Magical Me
by Gilderoy Lockhart
Summary: My autobiography, including how I battled the Dark Forces and still won Most-Charming Smile
1. The Glorious Creation

**_Just like to add that I am no way affiliated with Rowling, Harry Potter, or Gilderoy Lockhart. This is just fun stuff, no money is involved. Geeze, i'm a bored college student is all ;) ~Mal_**

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**_THE MAGICAL ME_**

_By Gilderoy Lockhart _

_Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of _Witch Weekly's_ Most-Charming Smile Award_

**INTRODUCTION**

How delighted and humbled I am to see that a reader such as yourself has chosen to read my autobiography. First off I must point out the fact that my life has certainly been a raucous romp through the Dark Arts for I have seen things that no Wizard, Witch or Muggle could dare imagine. I must say the events that have taken place in my life and recorded here should not be replicated (kids don't try this at home) and I must also point out that I am a professional in the field of Dark Force Defense. Certainly an impressive duty but nothing to gloat about. 

I must add that all events here are real and I am very proud of myself for the way I have inscribed them for centuries to come. Now no Wizard, Witch, or Muggle will ever forget the greatness of Gilderoy Lockhart. 

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**CHAPTER ONE: A Glorious Creation**

In my thirty-five some odd years of life, I have discovered that being humble about myself has been the greatest factor in my success. As a youth growing up in the late 1960's and early 1970's, I _knew_ I was special. I would look into the mirror at my forget-me-not blue eyes and say to myself, "Gilderoy, there's something about you...something that can make a difference in this world." It was then that I knew that my ideal gift was for the non-magical and magical worlds to unite in harmony. However this dream may never become a reality. Perhaps there are not enough people like myself in the world. I guess this dream is partly the reason why I want to write this book. Let's imagine what it would be like for a Muggle to pick up my book and say, "This man led a fairly ordinary, yet also glorious life. Maybe he and the other magical people aren't so bad after all." Then a dream would come true and I would feel like a catalyst to a superb and profound revolution. 

When I was born the first thing my mother noticed was my hair. A brilliant gold and naturally curly. My parents believed that strands of my hair could make the greatest wand ever but no one ever tried to do so. I grew up in lovely Cornwall England and as a child I had a habit of catching pixies and then letting them go. My parents were from fantastic wizarding families that had been educated at Hogwart's for ages and ages. As I was growing up, magic was a staple in my life and I tried harder than anyone to become the best Wizard I can be. In Muggle schools I was laughed at and tormented with songs such as "Gilderoy, Gilderoy, are you sure that you're a boy" and "Did you smell that, Oh look at that, it's Lockhart the fart." Eventually I found sanctuary in my youth thanks to my parents educating me in the ways of wizardry and of course I went to the finest Wizarding school in the world. 

When I was 14 I had my first encounter with Dark Forces. Suddenly, as I was walking through my neighboring country side, I was attacked by a creature that I had never seen before. Fearing that it would do irreparable harm to my physical appearance, I casted a freezing charm upon the creature. "Peskipiksi Pesternomi" said I after pointing my immaculate wand at the creature. As it froze, I saw that I had encountered a chimaera who was poised to rip my hair and teeth out. Needless to say that the creature remained frozen for, as you notice, my perfect pearly whites still are with us and have won _Witch-Weekly's_ Most-Charming-Smile award five times. After this encounter a most astonishing notion came to me. This Divine revelation, if you will, told me of my destiny. I must explore, understand, and defend the world from the Dark Arts. 

Moving on in my life I began to notice how important this work truly is. I hope that everyone can gain knowledge from my example and be like me in creating a better tomorrow. After my near death encounter, I discovered that my valor was an important attribute to my life. No longer did I fear the "little things" for I had discovered that I had a special gift where those creatures once feared by Wizards and Witches feared me more than death. Perhaps this makes me special. In _Year with the Yeti_ I mentioned how important I feel it is to minimize fear when around these creatures. I started this process at an early age and I discovered how much I gained from it. At the tender age of 16 I saved my best friend from a rabid centaur simply by standing up to it and ordering it to stop. I was humbled with the reception I received from my friend's family and I feel it was a shame that only a few days later he was turned into a newt and no one, not even myself, could combat the powerful and dark forces that had over taken him. My friend wound up being flushed down the loo, for it turns out the curse cast upon him also gave him a rather nasty temperament, especially for a newt. 

I hope that as you continue to read of my fascinating and yet bizarre life history, that you take time to notice how much growth I must had to have undertaken at the earlier stages of my life in order to get me where I am today. In all honesty I do wish that my autobiography can be once viewed as a guidebook to becoming a defense guide from the Dark Forces. I learned early in life that evil can exist in every shape and form and I also learned that it never hurts to add a little egg to your hair shampoo either. In the next chapter I will discuss my growth more fully and after that you can see the source of my greatness and my hopes and desires. 


	2. Battling the Monster

**CHAPTER TWO: Battling The Monster**

I have already told you why I was the greatest child around, but little have I said anything about my mischievous nature as a tot. At the tender age of six I cast my first memory charm on my father just to see what it would do. Little did I expect him to forget everything! After being severely punished, my parents let me off after they felt sorry for yelling and punishing such a beautiful and wonderful child. 

Surprisingly enough this punishment helped me develop into my fantastic self simply because as I was up in my room I could hear something in our attic. I thought nothing of it at first and even thought that if I were to go up there I could have my beautiful smile destroyed by some nasty and horrible creature. As the weeks went on and the punishment ended, I still noticed the same grunting and groaning coming from upstairs. One day, a rainy day at that and I had just had my hair done so there was no way I was going outside, I was bored and decided to go into the attic. It was dark and dreary up there. There was a dampness as well and I started getting very worried about my teeth and hair for I didn't want any damage to succumb to them (and nothing did happen for I still look wonderful today). As I walked to the attic door I pressed my ear to it and heard the moaning again. I found some courage and went in. There in front of me was a very odd looking creature. 

Later I found out that I had encountered the dreaded boggart, which we all know is a creature that loves close, confined spaces. I believe that I am the _only_ person that has ever seen this shape shifter in its original state, for the creature in my attic was stout and furry with long fangs and I have never seen anything like it sense. As it saw me it came charging forward. Fortunately my father's mahogany wand was tightly held in my tiny yet oh so perfect hands as I performed a banishing charm. Next thing I knew, the creature was gone in a bright flash of light. 

I had defeated a monster that was more than liking going to threaten my home and after telling my mother of it, she told me that I would be a fantastic, possibly a great wizard with beautiful hair and a charming smile (and I have won the Most-Charming Smile award from _Witch Weekly_) and profound greatness.

Recognizing my greatness has been a challenge for me. I was always taught to me humble about my own grandeur and I believe that I have succeeded at this task. My defeat of the monster at such a young age, when, possibly, no one else could have done what I did, was just one of the many heralded accomplishments that I would receive throughout my life. In no way do I gloat about my achievements. I just simply tell them as they happened. The boggart is a Dark beast like none other and it was at this tender age where I learned the importance of being knowledgeable of defenses against the dark arts. Everyday someone walks into a shop on Knockturn Alley in hopes of finding some vile object to aid them in their sinister plans. One day those plans my involve oneself (though certainly no one would ever dislike me to the point of wanting to perform dark magic on me. My loving and happy nature makes me one of the most agreeable wizards around). Therefore we must all possess some knowledge of how to defend ourselves from these Dark Wizards and Witches. 

I encountered one more monster as a child, well that is if you call it a monster. Certainly it was a vile and deadly creature. When I was twelve (mind you my teeth were perfectly straight at this time and my hair was a perfect wavy gold) I liked taking walks around my town. On a sultry summer day I was hurrying home (sweat is not good for golden curly locks) and I took a short cut where I passed an old house. Inside I saw something moving. I clutched my wand tightly and slowly advanced toward the building. The figure looked like a woman with floor length black hair. Her back was too me so I crept around trying to keep her from noticing me. That's when I noticed her features were green and skeletal...I was staring at a Banshee! An ordinary man would have turned to run right then and there. But alas I am no ordinary man. After casting various charms and combating with the creature, whose deadly wails I had deafened myself to, I expelled the banshee from the home and continued on my way.

Certainly no _ordinary_ man could ever have the experiences I have for Muggles simply don't have the open mind to believe in what we do. At the same time no _ordinary_ Wizard or Witch could do the things that I have done and written of in my previous books. No ordinary creature could survive what I went through in _Travel with Trolls_ for example. I am truly humbled by how great I am and how fortunate I have been for all of my gifts and experiences. I must be even more fortunate for discovering my gifts at such an early age and so I've had more opportunities to improve on my splendor and on my intelligence. 

As I have mentioned before, my extraordinary accomplishments should not be replicated at home. The last thing I want to hear is how young Wizards and Witches have harmed themselves by trying to be as brave and wonderful as Gilderoy Lockhart. In my next chapters I will begin to go into detail on my more daring accomplishments and my superior spell work. Remember, I am a professional and only professionals should attempt the feats I have performed. 


	3. A Charming Discovery

**Chapter Three: A Charming Discovery**

I think my fondest section of magic is charms. When I first began learning charms everything felt natural to me. Excitement poured through my veins and my golden locks became more beautiful than before (excitement seems to enhance my hair). My eyes twinkled brightly and I knew my destiny was to be a great wizard. 

Maybe one day my handy charms work as a child and my knowledge of all forms of magic can help get me into one of the highest Wizarding positions available or maybe even a teaching position at Hogwarts. But for now we must regain focus upon my past. As I have mentioned, my beauty and greatness began as a child. When I first started Wizarding school, I knew only a handful of charms and upon the learning of new ones I mastered them quickly and gained respect throughout the school. People realized the greatness I had and every night I studied, especially my charms book, over and over again. At this point in my life I was determined to be the best I could be (if not better) and I knew the only way to show my prominence was to study harder than any of the other students around.

Like many Wizards and Witches, I attended Hogwarts and was a member of the Hufflepuff house. Many of my classmates do not remember me for after graduation I blossomed into a handsome and stunning young man. After school was also when I began my famed travels, but that is another story for another time. I like to think that Hogwarts gave me a chance to become what I am today. Even though many of the children in Slytherin and Gryffindor would make fun of me (a friend of mine said that was the only thing the two houses had in common), I felt like I had something they didn't have and they were simply jealous of my talents. 

While charms was my favourite class, it was through a love of charms that I excelled at other topics such as Defense Against the Dark Arts, and I _am_ an honorary member of the Dark Force Defense League, and potions (I've heard that I can make a mean invisibility potion). In a way, I made a "charming" discovery in that I could excel at whatever I wanted to as long as I put my fantastic and brilliant mind to it. 

It was in my Hogwarts years when I saw my first Puffskein. By far it was one of the oddest creatures I had ever seen in my life at that point. After being first intrigued when I found it on the grounds as a baby, I cuddled it in my arms and took it back to care for it. It loved me for something more than my beautiful locks. I kept it with me always and my dorm mates loved Puffkins just as much as I, especially when his tongue traveled the area at night and wound up eating the boogers of girls in the girls' dorm. I had him until his death two years ago, when he died of old age and was in turn eaten by a hag. Puffkins held in him all the memories of my teenage years, of growing up and becoming the fantastic Wizard that I am today. 

Puffkins traveled with me on all my expeditions and was the greatest companion I've ever had. My schoolmates were fascinated by him and thanks to Puffkins they stopped making fun of me in front of my face and did so, instead, behind my back.

Moving onward everything that I learned at Hogwarts prepared me for what was to come. In the next chapter I will discuss one of my most dangerous missions to date, which occurred only a few months after leaving Hogwarts. 


	4. The Dementor of Bath

_To Tonga, Lavender, Oracle, Clara2000, Ginny, Kate, Avocado, and Marchioness Jen: Thank you for taking the time to review my story. I really really really really really appreciate it :-D_

_This one is for you ;)_

**Chapter Four: The Dementor of Bath**

After leaving Hogwarts I set out on my first adventure. I didn't know where I was going exactly, but my award winning smile was able to secure my access to places that probably no ordinary person has been. As I traveled, I noticed that I was able to please both Muggles and Wizards alike and perhaps that was due to my charming nature and my smile (winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award five times). Eventually I found myself in Bath, a city of which I am very familiar. By this time, however, I was missing everything about Hogwarts--my friends, teachers, and Hogsmeade. Shaking off my feelings, I found an inn located in the center of the town called "The Lazy Witch" that was suitable enough for my lodgings. While in my room, combing my golden locks of hair and gazing in the mirror, I heard a scream from the street. I looked down and saw a dark figure wearing a dark, hooded robe. A chill went through my body and reverberated in my teeth. _Could it be?_ I wondered. In all truths, I was frightened for I had never been this close to a Dementor before and nor had I ever wanted to be. I had heard the horror stories of Azkaban and as I sank back on my bed I couldn't help but wonder why one would be here. 

My award winning smile left my face and my eyes must have glazed over for I was in deep thought. Ideas raced through my mind, including the fact that maybe this wasn't a Dementor at all, but a boggart that had escaped from its dark place. However, I soon learned that, unfortunately, that creature was indeed a Dementor. Fear engulfed me, as well as the rest of the community, and everyone looked to me to do something about this foul creature. 

But what could I do? I was still a young Wizard and had yet to win Witch Weekly's coveted Most Charming Smile award. I was young and only beginning to prove how glorious I truly was. After a meeting in the inn that I found myself attending, the town decided that something had to be done, and since I was a charming and brave Wizard, I should lead the way. They knew that I had passed Hogwarts with flying colors, that my specialty was charms and defense against the dark arts and thus they looked to me and my soon-to-be-award-winning smile to help them. So I pushed up the sleeves of my lilac coloured robe (after all, lilac _is_ my favourite colour) and set out to do my deed. 

Now as one might know an award winning smile is no weapon compared to the power a dementor has. As I stood on the street with it coming towards me, various intense sensations (not unlike winning Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award) entered my body. The closer the black figure came to me the more pleasant sensations began leaving me. Somehow I managed to conjure up a pleasant thought and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" A flash of lilac light left my wand and began chasing the dementor away. The town, from that day forth, has renamed the inn to the Golden Lockhart in honour of my glorious deed of saving the town with my quick wit and Most Charming Smile. 

Now I must stress that expelling dementors is not for the average wizard. Successfully conjuring up a Patronus is a difficult task and should only be performed by those experienced enough. My defeat of this dementor was a historical moment for myself for it was the first time this award winning author (Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile) encountered a dementor and sucessfully banished it from the area. I told my mother of wha happened and she said that she knew from the moment she saw my golden locks and charming smile as a baby that I was no ordinary wizard. My mother was right. While I was confident of my abilities while at Hogwarts, I never realized exactly what she meant when I was in Bath. 

Not everyone is as special and gifted as I am and I wish that wasn't so. I wish that we could all be equal and that my dream of my own hair can line can be accomplished. How the latter is relevant I'm not entirely sure but I do think it would be a glorious day when we can all unite and create wizarding hair care together. 

My next chapter means a great deal to me. There was only one person that I felt deserved a chapter and I sincerely hope I can do that person justice. 


	5. The Love of My Life

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Chapter Five: The Love of My Life

There was only one person that I could dedicate an entire chapter to that wasn't myself. Well, perhaps not a person, but Puffkins was the most important creature in my life, second only to my mother, third only to myself. Even though Puffkins didn't have my award winning smile (Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award) he was there with me every step of the way. In fact, Puffkins saved my life once.

It was a cold, winter night and we were trapped on a deserted road in Cornwall. Suddenly, while walking, we encountered a group of unruly Cornish Pixies. Now there's nothing more dangerous than a Pixie. In fact, only a professional who has a "Most Charming Smile" should handle them. Devilish, tricky little blighters they can be for they have been known to seize humans by the ears and hang them from trees! Puffkins and I froze in our tracks and stared at the oncoming horde of Pixies. I nearly screamed if it hadn't have been for the courage that Puffkins gave me. I truly loved Puffkins, and I still do to this day. To battle the Pixies, Puffkins came up with a plan. Slowly he slid his tongue out of his mouth and slowly wound it around, making a lasso. Then the tongue started swinging about as I held him closely in my arms. In one swift try, all the Pixies were tied up in his tongue. We took them to a log and, after releasing them, locked them inside it's hollow interior.

There was another instance in which I owe my life to my furry friend. One day, while rock climbing in Australia, I nearly fell off a rock that was ten feet high. Fortunately for me Puffkins grabbed me before I hit the ground with his tongue. We then sat on the rock cliff for a while, watching the sunset, and I said to Puffkins, "I love you." And my furry friend purred loudly as we sat until nightfall. 

When Puffkins died, I built a memorial for him. In the middle of my backyard, there is a large statue, an exact replica of my beloved Puffskein, who lived with me and was my companion for so long. I don't think I could ever honor his love the way I should. I could never compare my love for him to his love for me. Now, as I battle the Dark Arts and fantastic creatures, I can still feel Puffkins spirit at my side. I still feel his warmth, his tongue in my nose, and his purrs. I will never be the same Award Winning Gilderoy Lockhart. While my smile is still charming as ever, I fell that part of that charm has died with Puffkins.


	6. The Darkness Within

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**Chapter Six: The Darkness Within******

****In _Voyages with Vampires_ by none other than yours truly, I became one of the few to survive staying with Vampires for a prolonged period of time. Perhaps it was my Most Charming Smile or my beautiful golden hair that kept me from being turned into a creature of the night. Whatever it was, I am truly grateful for it. And while I am humbled by how wonderful I must be to survive such a dangerous adventure, I must not forget those who came before me and failed miserably. I salute your efforts. 

This adventure showed me a side to life that I had never seen before. This was my first journey that truly meant anything. This was when I would prove myself. In truth I was scared and it takes more courage and greatness, and a stronger smile, to admit one's own flaws. This was the first time I had ever been truly scared. The head vampire of the community in which I was visiting greeted me with a firm hand shake. The first thing he said to me was, "My, you have such a charming smile! Have you won Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award yet?" 

"No," replied I, "but I plan on it happening soon." 

He nodded and then offered to take me to meet the others. He was tall with blond hair (certainly not as nice as mine) and gray eyes. His thin stature made him look more undead than he already was. His name was Astocio and was over 500 years old. He then introduced me to two other vampires named Reynoldo and Desperina. Since I chronicle my adventures with these vampires, I will not go into complete detail. Instead I will reflect upon my experience with these creatures of the night. 

I discovered within myself a darkness. Finding this lack of perfection frightened me more than anything. I actually understood why they do what they do. I believe that within us we all have a darkness...mine, for example, is that I hide the fact that my locks are not as glorious as they used to be. I also tend to hide the fact that.... I had one tooth pulled as a child. Thankfully that has not hindered my glorious smile. 

I must admit I learned a lot from the vampires. They too desire better hair care. Perhaps, one day, I will collaborate with them on a project for vampire hair care. Even though they are undead, they can still experience the sheer pleasure from the smell of shampoo, conditioner and moose. I also learned that everyone, humans, muggles, wizards, and vampires, all desire survival. Some of us go to more extremes than others to survive. Why I'm not sure. But I do feel that the time has come for all of us to banish this darkness within and find a light. A light that says "I too want to be like Gilderoy Lockhart." 


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CHAPTER SEVEN: Caught in the Mist****

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Not long after my encounter with the vampires did I have another strange encounter. This one has yet to be published and therefore I feel I should discuss it now. There are only two things I greatly fear in this world. One is worldly destruction and the other is the lost of my award winning most charming smile. Only once in my life have I encountered a creature that could succeed at fulfilling both of these fears. 

I had ventured into Scotland one day, the mist circled the land that I was walking on and to my left I noticed a small pond. I decided to stop and rest. As I approached the pond I immediately saw my superior reflection. My boyish face was exhausted from my journey, my golden locks were damp with my sweat and the dew from the humid air. Yet my smile, voted Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile five times, remained. That that fact excited me and I stayed by the pond, glaring at myself. 

Suddenly I noticed something splash in the center of the lake. Startled, I broke my gaze with myself and looked around hastily. Nothing was there. But I felt a surge of adrenaline in my body and my senses told me all was not well. I stood slowly, clutching my wand in case I would have to shout out "Peskipiksi Pesternomi" to save the day. 

Once again, I heard a splash in the water and as I looked back at the pond I saw something coming out of it...a kelpie. It had to be a kelpie for it looked like a horse. It saw me and came charging at me and as it did so I leaped out of its way. As I was in the bushes hiding from the fearsome creature, something tapped me on my shoulder. I turned slowly and saw through the mist... 

Myself. 

The kelpie and shifted its shape into one that resembled myself. It even had my award winning smile! But slowly it began changing its shape, contorting its image of me and turning my smile into the most hideous thing ever! Describing it gives me too much pain and therefore I shall stop there. But I felt an overwhelming fear. Was this what I, the beautiful Gilderoy Lockhart, would look like one day? The horror of the question! It then shifted, god save me, into a form of me that looked as though it were decayed. The mist began to become thicker and fear in my heart grew. I felt as though my two biggest fears had been realized. 

Slowly I picked up my wand and aimed at it. "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!" shouted I. Suddenly the kelpie began to shrink into a smaller form and scurried back to the pond from wince it came. 

Since then I have realized that anything can make my nightmares come true and so I have started sleeping with a night light and a teddy bear. 


End file.
